It just feels so empty. There is no meaning in another number. Achieved nothing. Kilos and guilt piled up for an year. Before Little-R I could always just say I don’t want to celebrate and that would be enough. Now its all about the little one. She would like it. So today got a little 5 inch cake off the bakery shelf at Asda. I’ll have to pretend tomorrow that I like it.
Spent a ton of money for another driving test on July-4. My instructor told me to “Go into the test expecting to fail – that way you won’t feel as bad this time”. Great. Thanks. Not his fault really. What else is he supposed to say after I’ve failed 3 times.
I wish I could feel happy.
Struggling to sleep at almost 4 in the morning… This is one of the worst days of the entire year. Feeling anxious like I have an exam today for which I haven’t prepared at all. Hate this fucking day with all my heart.
The best part of the day was Little-R saying again and again Happy Birthday to me and saying that she loves me. Li and her made me a card too. Dad and mom called me to wish. Had a good conversation. This has been the best birthday in many years. I feel silly for having expectations and I feel silly for feeling so anxious. It’s not such a bad day. There are people around me who care for me. I’m grateful.
I must remember the fact that I’m grateful and why.
42 years old. I’m working towards a better me. I’ll get there.
Happy Birthday, R.