I didn’t mean to compare. I was merely saying that whatever he’s doing or can do is not because of him alone – its possible because his partner is enabling it. They have that chemistry to make it happen. That pushed her button about comparing with my brother’s wife and this turned out to be another weekend that is now fucked – because my button was pushed too. I was mis understood again. I gave a shit about what she said and let it get to me. My mother was mentioned as per usual. “Silly lady” is probably the least insulting word she has said about my mother.
I shouted, she shouted. Little-R sitting on the floor repeatedly saying in a feeble voice ‘too loud.. too loud’. It was pathetic parenting. Ultimately, it came down to the same bloody insecurity she has – lack of earning. That too she hold me responsible because she left her career to migrate to another country. I have many times tried to lift her up by saying positive things but none of that she remembers. Apparently we all worship my brother’s wife because she is ‘earning’. “Money talks” she said. Last I heard, Little-R was asking “What talks mama” or something to that effect.
I have tried so hard to not interact with her but I am not able to just stay aloof. I am still seething with anger inside and thinking what the fuck do I say to hurt her. I want to say something hurting. I want her to apologise. I want her to have some God damn self respect. What kind of a person has this low self esteem that a mere hint of even unintentional comparison sparks an outrage. I reply and retort and I am the bad guy. I want to stay away somehow but I got no money.
We have talked about divorce at length many times and we have mutually agreed that its a non starter. Little-R will be in trouble. Is this kind of a unstable house-hold worse for her than we divorcing. But how much of shit must I handle and for how many more years. I need immense strength to get fit and set my life straight or for sure I am headed towards a suicide. I have to fix myself for Little-R. This kind of atmosphere just makes everything even more hard. How do I keep my focus and try to work towards a better future with this kind of a home.
Its all my fault – I should have spoken very carefully and I must speak very carefully here onwards. I sometimes think I should make a tattoo somewhere on my front of the hand that reminds me if my buttons are being pushed – but I don’t think I have the mettle for it. I am unable to regulate my emotions that is leading to a horrible situation at home. Among all of the shit going on this is now another one I must deal with
Right now I should be keeping calm and thinking about my upcoming driving exam just day after tomorrow. But I am disturbed. I am angry. I am worried. There is no one fighting in my corner for me. I wish I could just shut off my ability to speak all together. I cannot earn a living if I do this. I wish at least I could regulate my emotions. I need to learn how to calm down when angry. I wish I could always say the right thing because there is no forgiveness there. She won’t forgive me and I won’t forgive her.