On June 9th, I got up on the day and centred myself. Calmness. Played Ganesh Vandana and was confident that I will get it this time – the third time. I wasn’t as nervous as before. Apparently (I learnt later) that I had actually made a serious fault within the first few minutes of my start. I have unknowingly changed lanes. Later sometime, I slowed down before merging into a 50mph road. These two fucked up my test and I was broken for the day. I was broken for two days straight. The word ‘broken’ seems a very feeble word – compared to what I felt.
My heart was pounding through the chest and I wanted to kill myself repeatedly. Loud voices screaming that I can’t even get my family a car. Buying a house is dependent on this and now I don’t know how far back this is pushed. Without a car, raising a kid with the lifestyle that I want, surviving in this country is not possible for me. So silly to have suicidal thoughts on failing a driving test. I had no idea this was even possible.
I never thought that passing a driving test would be this difficult. I am making new mistakes during my exam that I have never made before. With what confidence do I go into another test. What kind of mistakes will I make next time. Every time – a new mistake.
Was scolded for no reason again today on the office call. I want to say ‘fuck you’ to them and move out. Somehow though – the boss chewing me out has re-invigorated the fight a bit. I want to do something in the next two years that focusses on three primary demons of my world – physical fitness, academic fitness and mental fitness.
Time to get back on track – yes – but there is an home trip coming up. I cannot jump into this and again take a break and then resume. I will start once I return here.